Um … ew, I think?

There’s a whole new way to go eco-friendly in Australia – banana underwear.  Yep, the folks from down under can cover their own down unders with underwear made with nearly 30% banana fibers.  There are two bits of great news that go along with the news that you can cover your nether-regions with banana underwear.

First, apparently, banana underwear is super absorbent (yes, someone actually said, “Buy our underwear!  It’s super absorbant!”), and, even better, it doesn’t smell like bananas.

Isn’t that awesome?  Yeah, I thought so.

Yay, Rich Weirdos!

I never cease to be amazed at the ridiculous shit people pay for.  This week, the world has given me two things to be amazed at, both of which seem a bit excessive.  But, hey, everyone needs something to waste their money on, and we can’t all just drop our cash on such mundane things as cameras and clothes and computers.  So, what do you do for the guy who has everything?

Well, you may want to start by sending his favorite teddy bear to the Chech travel agency, where they will pamper your favorite stuffed animal and take him on a luxury tour around Prague, snaping pictures as they go:

“As we start, we’re focusing on north American and Japanese markets, where there is a huge amount of people owning stuffed animals,” said Tomio Okamura, one of the businessmen who have decided to invest in the idea.

He and former Czech minister of information technology Dana Berova have agreed to invest an initial 150,000 crowns ($7,880) each in the project.

In the past week, the venture’s website sendyourdarling.com has logged over 15,000 visitors.

“We are very surprised with such a massive interest from clients both from here and from abroad — we really did not expect that,” Hlavka said in an email.

One recurrent request has come from Japan where several toy owners are anxious to have snaps taken at a Bayern Munich match.

Others have been asking for pictures of their stuffed animals enjoying a picnic or a massage.

The cost ranges from 90 euros ($121.5) to 150 euros.

“The most expensive package includes a massage, which takes place on a special rug laid out at a place with the view of the Charles Bridge. We light candles and incense sticks, lay down the plush toy on its back and Mr. Hlavka starts the massage,” Okamura said.

The dearest package also includes a cushion and a duvet to provide a comfortable journey for the stuffed client to Prague and then back to its owner.

But, let’s face it – not everyone has a stuffed animal that they treasure to send on a delux, comfortable journey.  So, if you’re looking for something a little more science-fiction meets WTF, then the Ultimate Reality corporation in France has the answer for you:

For 900 euros ($1,226), clients of Ultime Realite (“Ultimate Reality”), a firm in eastern France, can buy a basic kidnap package where they’re bundled away, bound and gagged, and kept incarcerated for four hours.

Alternatively, they can opt for a more elaborate tailor-made psychodrama, involving an escape or helicopter chase for example, where costs can quickly escalate.

“Basically, anything is possible. I identify what the customer wants and then try to put it into action,” said Georges Cexus, 28, who set up the company in the middle of January.

Once the scenario has been established, clients sign a contract and liability waiver, but have no idea when the kidnappers will strike in order to maximize the surprise.

But Cexus said the maximum incarceration time is 11 hours, beyond which clients might find the novelty tends to wear off.

After just a few weeks in business, Ultime Realite says it is already getting up to two requests a day, the majority from top-level executives seeking an extreme alternative to bungee jumping or skydiving.

Others are hoping to confront deep-rooted phobias, such as one potential client who says he wants to be buried alive.

To further bolster my faith in humanity, the French police are totally cool with this.  The group just has to notify the cops in advance, so they can disregard any emergency calls from freaked out witnesses who don’t realize that the client paid to be kidnapped in broad daylight.

Another major shocker.

In an announcement that is about as stunning as Mark McGwire admitting to use steriods, John Edwards confessed that he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby.  I am shocked, I tell you, shocked!  How could the populist Edwards, Lord of the $600 hair cuts, have gone and done such a dirty, dirty thing?

Fuck.  Sadly, I think the National Enquirer broke this a few months back, so you could actually make an argument that the National Enquirer is more on top of the news than, well, the news.

Russian Pr0n Win!

Seriously.  This is a great hack.

An enormous television screen showing a pornographic film caused a midnight traffic jam in central Moscow Thursday as stunned motorists slammed on the brakes to gawk at the writhing naked bodies.The owner of the advertising screen, which sits atop a main road about two km (1.2 miles) south of the Kremlin, told the state-run RIA news agency that hackers had broken into the screen’s computer system and turned on the porn.

“They were either acting out of hooliganism or were from a rival company,” Viktor Laptev, commercial director of advertising firm Panno.ru, told RIA.

“Acting out of hooliganism” is a terrific acusation.  I’m going to have to remember that for the next time my daughter does something hooliganish.

Well, That’s One Way To Increase Participation In … Anything …

Give a pint of blood – get a pint of beer!

Yeah, seriously.

A Washington state blood center is offering donors a deal: Give a pint of blood, get a pint of beer. Cascade Regional Blood Services in Tacoma says its “Give blood, get beer” promotion has worked so well that it’s being expanded.The News Tribune of Tacoma reported Monday that donors who are at least 21 years old are given a coupon for a free pint of beer.

Participating pubs and restaurants must wait at least four hours after the blood drive ends before donors can collect their free pint.

OMG WTF!?

Stop the fucking press.  Mark McGuire says he used steriods when he broke the single-year home run record more than a decade ago.

I am shocked.  Shocked, I tell you!

Obama Is Contributing To Fast-Growing Environmental Problem.

At least, I assume he is, what with all that golf he’s been playing.  Turns out that your average golf ball takes between 100 to 1,000 years to biodegrade, releasing all kinds of nasty shit into the environment while it’s at it. 

It was found that during decomposition, the golf balls dissolved to release a high quantity of heavy metals. Dangerous levels of zinc were found in the synthetic rubber filling used in solid core golf balls. When submerged in water, the zinc attached itself to the ground sediment and poisoned the surrounding flora and fauna.

Course manager for the Danish Golf Union, Torben Kastrup Petersen, said the scale of the problem is unknown: “There has been very little research on the environmental impact of golf balls, but it’s safe to say the indicators are not good. We are planning to collaborate with environmentalists in America to conduct more tests to fully explore the extent of the problem.”

Local government ministers in Scotland have also complained about the level of golf ball littering. UK lawmaker Patrick Harvie told CNN: “From the moon to the bottom of Loch Ness, golf balls are humanity’s signature litter in the most inaccessible locations.”

And he’s not wrong. On February 6, 1971, astronaut Alan Shepherd was filmed taking a swing with a six iron on the surface of the moon. According to Shepherd, the balls flew off in the distance and landed a few kilometers away. Although the balls were left for future golfers to discover, it is believed the extreme temperatures on the surface would have dissolved the balls many moons ago.

In many cases, removing a partially degraded ball from a lake or woodland area could result in further damage to the wildlife.

Axing The BBC?

Apparently, the idea of getting rid of the BBC or seriously scaling it back has been suggested by the Torries, and could actually happen if they win the next election.  Nevermind that the BBC makes double what it costs; nevermind one of the main proponent of it is US based Rupert Murdoch, who has a lot to gain if the BBC goes offline, owning the Sky network and all that. 

Cameron’s policy is sanctioned by US-based media mogul Rupert Murdoch, who wants the BBC dismantled to further his TV interests, which include Sky.

The Tory leader wants to freeze the BBC’s £3.6billion-a-year licence fee, creating fears, voiced by Doctor Who writer Russell T Davies, that a Tory government would dramatically downsize the corporation.

Deloitte describes the British independent production sector as “one of the crown jewels of the UK creative economy” and says it would shrink by two-thirds – a drop of £1.4billion – if it wasn’t for the BBC .

Director general Mark Thompson is thought to be preparing for a Tory onslaught if they win the election.

He has not ruled out closing channels. He may also scale back the BBC’s extensive website, which commercial rivals claim ruins the market for paid-for online news.

As far as I’m concerned, this is a terrible idea – no BBC means no Doctor Who!

Fattism Strikes Again!

While fattism is primarily a big issue in the UK (with American obesity rates, it’s hard to be a fattist), it is striking closer and closer to home.  The dating site BeautifulPeople.com, a site that only allows “attractive” people to be members, just kicked some 5,000 people out of its club because they posted pictures of them that appeared to show they were getting, well, fat, after packing on the holiday pounds.

The site allows entry to new members only if existing members vote them as sufficiently attractive to warrant it.

The US, the UK, and Canada topped the list of excluded members.

The site has always been unrepentant about its selection process, calling itself “the largest network of attractive people in the world”.

The move was reportedly prompted by members themselves, who police the membership of the site to maintain a high – if highly subjective – standard of attractiveness.

“As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld,” said site founder Robert Hintze.

“Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.”

The last line is the best line.  Letting fatties roam the site … it makes me giggle.

I Know, I Know …

I haven’t said anything in two and a half days.  In my defense, it’s because BBCA was running a three-day-long marathon of the entire new series of Doctor Who leading up to The End of Time Part II, in which we say farewell to David Tennant, and ever so briefly say hello to Matt Smith.  If you’re a Who fan, I hope you watched it tonight, because it was terrific.  It was tragic and beautiful and uplifting and heartbreaking and everything I expect from the Doctor – from this Doctor, anyway.  Damned exciting, too.  The final bits, the goodbyes, were heartbreaking.  I cried from the moment he knocked to the moment that the new Doctor realized he had legs.

So, anyway.  I’m back from nerdland, and will be back up to full capacity tomorrow.  Until then, internets, be good!